Tag Archives: people

a few words after a long string of nothings…

I guess it’s been a bazilliontrillioninsanillion amount of time since I sat and wrote something worthwhile, and even longer since I sat to write in my wordpress blog specifically. Not sure what it was about last summer…the confusion of an active moving transition? the hot, humid Jersey air?…but I definitely couldn’t stop puttering about this blog, and at times editing and deleting the foolish ideas I recorded here.

However, between my unnecessary facebook posts and lately twitters, I am more compelled to return to writing, even if just on a stupid blog, in order to decrease my usage of these other, word-limiting, brain-numbing online community sites.

I am pretty depressed. Yes, it’s true it hit me again. And what could be the cause, this time? It is unavoidably in part, the residue of yesteryear’s gloom. But it is also, and more essentially, gaining the increasingly internal conflict between play and work, my childish and innovative self, and my practical adult self…a conflict between the realistic and strong little girl that wanted to be an anthropologist, and the contemporary version of myself, insecure and lonely, wanting to be a lover, the inner spoon in a bed of body-porridge, warm, wet, settled…

I am pretty sure that this latter, sticky self is grinding to a halt, and the inertia of this abrupt stop will lead either to complete, final destruction, or some lasting, glowing, golden something. I would rather not contemplate the former result of the inertia, so contemplating the latter, I see the potential of companionship, or good work, of confidence.

I also currently see a lot of unavoidable connections with people. And yet, they are leading to nothing, because I’m tired and I like to stay in when I’m not working. And it all seems like work. Well, I see people, mostly coworkers and people from last term’s school, who are definitely connected to my life, and yet after a short stint of relative socialness at my initial move to the Bay Area, I am once again immersed in solitude, in waiting, sometimes this feels wholly natural and steeped in patience, and many other times I am restless, and again, headed to inertia. And if I am headed to nothing? Than what? the future is too dark to tell. For the first time ever I have no real plans, nothing relevant, nothing pulling, crucial, cogent, vivid, decisive, bright.

I am just living each day. Otherwise, I feel I might go off the rocker, and that, my friends, my empty internet space…that, is unacceptable.

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Remnants of my note jottings from the past week…observations from a seasonal loner

Notes start from watching a documentary on the South Pole to visiting Adam in Eugene, to are short drive around the central and northern Oregon coast, fireworks on train tracks behind Astoria’s Safeway, to Portland again and Joan Rivers documentary, and a book on love he gives me, the irony and the expert delusion; circling around, and feeling utterly lonely…and within that time Adam did drive out on me and I did have insomnia, and the summer has turned out to be sweaty hot, and I really need to shave my legs, and probably no country fair this year, but anyway, the notes:

Borderline intelligence at the single cell level.

Going down into the cathedral …diving in the ocean

Deranged/disoriented penguin headed toward certain death

Lava lake keep an eye out misty day bad

His and her sinks
…..
Eating potato chips on an unbearably silent night train

Teenage girls who give you a look like they want to vomit and conversations in forever 21

Intercom cutting in and out on train like station agent is cussing and edited for primetime TV “and once again ladies and (fat fucking bastards)….now were having are final (look at you good for nothing pieces of shit)…good evening (I hope I never see you again motherfuckers!)”

The angry train food guy….

Mans wildness is it stripped way over time like petals from flower or buried like layers of a cake

Joan rivers cruelty in comedy
Beautys importance the joke about a man sticks his hand up your skirt he’s not looking for a library card.

Love Adam why sudden need to move do I want the best for myself a shake up and what would make me stay

People one unity by conforming with favorites and hobbies rather than unity of spirit

Enlightenment philosophy l’ame n’a pas de sexe or rather the soul has no sex polarity of the sexes disappearing with erotic love same not equals…Hunan atoms to function in a mass aggregation w/o friction….standardization routine escapist symptoms…conformity pattern

Note nite last talk: aging with emotions reignite in a fervor immaturity to catch up with intelligence mentally formed thru escapist acts like drugs alc and compulsive addictions

Need to overcome separateness with love fusion with another person the most fundamental passion of man

Mature love is union while preserving individuality and personal integrity

To work hard from loneliness or greed is to be slave to a passion not an actor but a passive succumber
……

Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love

Love: care, responsibility and respect

Respect to see and allow to unfold as he is

L’amour est l’enfant de la liberte love is the child of freedom

How much is Adam a loner or a liar? I don’t know….
…..
Portland grieves in it’s aloneness.

A sweat and blinding sun day. A man is yelling at food stands “maybe you’re not a piece of shit everyone I’ve talked to is a piece of shit I just got out two hours go I was incarcerated and need money. Are you going to be a piece of shit?”
…..

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Speed Daters

At a cafe I try to mind my own business but inevitably there are young, lonely fools around town trying to find each other. They are called:

Speed daters…

“sucked the life right out of me”
“I used to live in Connecticut for awhile”
“Ohmigod, I’ve always wanted to go to Holland!”
“I’m really really into sustainable living…really excited about…”
“So would it be like, would I say whatever happens…”
“I mean, I’m fine with it…”
“Oh I really want to make zines too”
“I really want to make one, but I lost my first love when I was twenty…I really think that would be powerful…”
“That’s the thing…writing it is way more intimate…I’m going to give this really intimate journal-like thing…feelings…just what were feeling…”
“They’re really cool…do you know…?”
“So…you’re going back to school…”
“And also I think, the synergies, if I was totally honest with you…the last person I was sitting with, totally didn’t relate to him, wouldn’t want to date….was talking about sports…you’re charismatic too…”
“There are also lots of weird people…”
“Okayyy…”

“I know all the people I would like to meet.”
“I moved form SE to NW a year ago…”
“It’s a great area, and I work in the area. My nanny jobs are all in NE.”
“I’d like to be able to walk to work.”
“I just need my bike to get fixed.”
“I don’t know what to do…I probably should get a computer, I just…it’s so much money…”
“Every single person was just online, that’s what the picture is becoming…
we’re just talking to friends through facebook…
but there is all that pressure to do that too, especially if you’re an artist, it’s like…
“yeah, I have been wanting to make a….”
“exactly”.
“so you are looking for…”
“so do you have pets or anything?”
“Diet wise, are you against meat?…
“I used to be vegan, but…”
“That’s ok with us…salmon burgers…I’m really big on…
“I used to be lean mean Eugene…”
“Did you see the last guy?”
“I was totally not feeling him, I was like Oh god.”
“Here I’m like oh, I need a car, and oh…”
“Well the good dumpsters, there like way out, I know Trader Joes is pretty good, and Odwalla.. but there far out…”
“and the bums, they would get like everything…”
“no, it’s definitely a scene”…
“that’s cool, that’s what I like too”
“everyone can do one thing, even if it’s…that’s cool, at least we know someone’s doing it…”
“My roommate’s a freelance bike mechanic.”

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