Tag Archives: money

Murphys Pt 4

Conversation with mom: She thinks I’m selfish. She thinks I better hurry and find a job, I’m putting my dad in his grave. She thinks I was better in high school, when I won awards, and made honors lists. Now I’m unemployed and I don’t get along with anyone. 

Conversation with John: My mom is stupid. She’s an idiot. She’s negative. She is shaming me. (John was in the military with my parents. Them met in the sixties and drove around Spain together to castles and cathedrals and the running of the bulls. My dad and a rabbi became fast friends with John and they’ve been friends ever since.) Now he owns this house on the hill I’m living at, and is letting me stay for a dollar month to figure self out. I said I know myself, I just need a job and a home of my own. It’s been a month since I got my MFA, which would be no big deal but it was expensive and my parents didn’t like the idea to begin with or the extra money I asked for to support me living in the bay area. Now that it’s over I’m still broke and dependent and so the pressure is on. Take time for yourself John says. But I know they think I’m selfish. I know my mom thinks I was better back then. “This college you applied to, why don’t you just go there and talk to them?” This isn’t the sixties. “I got my last job in 1993. That’s what I did when I became a nurse in Jackson”. This isn’t 1993. You apply online. You email your resume. Why can’t she understand that, it’s like talking to a gopher. Come out of the ground and spout your opinion then go back under. My mom is a neanderthal but she also has retirement money and a home, and so she can be self righteous and it doesn’t fucking matter, I’m still broke. 

So I need quiet they say. I could teach English in Guatemala and live at the house John’s sister died in. He mentioned it and I just thought about her gold nail polish and leathery alcoholic skin. I feel trapped. Maybe that’s why I’ve been driving so much, to Folsom, little Columbia town and Angels Camp. I read a book, and went to a gold miners museum. I panned for gold and drank a strawberry milkshake. All these things are fun, but they also feel like distractions because I need to get out from under this pressure, and I’m not sure how I’m going to do that, and who is going to respond to my resume. Are two degrees not enough? Am I unemployable? Am I fucked?

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Speed Daters

At a cafe I try to mind my own business but inevitably there are young, lonely fools around town trying to find each other. They are called:

Speed daters…

“sucked the life right out of me”
“I used to live in Connecticut for awhile”
“Ohmigod, I’ve always wanted to go to Holland!”
“I’m really really into sustainable living…really excited about…”
“So would it be like, would I say whatever happens…”
“I mean, I’m fine with it…”
“Oh I really want to make zines too”
“I really want to make one, but I lost my first love when I was twenty…I really think that would be powerful…”
“That’s the thing…writing it is way more intimate…I’m going to give this really intimate journal-like thing…feelings…just what were feeling…”
“They’re really cool…do you know…?”
“So…you’re going back to school…”
“And also I think, the synergies, if I was totally honest with you…the last person I was sitting with, totally didn’t relate to him, wouldn’t want to date….was talking about sports…you’re charismatic too…”
“There are also lots of weird people…”
“Okayyy…”

“I know all the people I would like to meet.”
“I moved form SE to NW a year ago…”
“It’s a great area, and I work in the area. My nanny jobs are all in NE.”
“I’d like to be able to walk to work.”
“I just need my bike to get fixed.”
“I don’t know what to do…I probably should get a computer, I just…it’s so much money…”
“Every single person was just online, that’s what the picture is becoming…
we’re just talking to friends through facebook…
but there is all that pressure to do that too, especially if you’re an artist, it’s like…
“yeah, I have been wanting to make a….”
“exactly”.
“so you are looking for…”
“so do you have pets or anything?”
“Diet wise, are you against meat?…
“I used to be vegan, but…”
“That’s ok with us…salmon burgers…I’m really big on…
“I used to be lean mean Eugene…”
“Did you see the last guy?”
“I was totally not feeling him, I was like Oh god.”
“Here I’m like oh, I need a car, and oh…”
“Well the good dumpsters, there like way out, I know Trader Joes is pretty good, and Odwalla.. but there far out…”
“and the bums, they would get like everything…”
“no, it’s definitely a scene”…
“that’s cool, that’s what I like too”
“everyone can do one thing, even if it’s…that’s cool, at least we know someone’s doing it…”
“My roommate’s a freelance bike mechanic.”

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