Tag Archives: guy

Speed Daters

At a cafe I try to mind my own business but inevitably there are young, lonely fools around town trying to find each other. They are called:

Speed daters…

“sucked the life right out of me”
“I used to live in Connecticut for awhile”
“Ohmigod, I’ve always wanted to go to Holland!”
“I’m really really into sustainable living…really excited about…”
“So would it be like, would I say whatever happens…”
“I mean, I’m fine with it…”
“Oh I really want to make zines too”
“I really want to make one, but I lost my first love when I was twenty…I really think that would be powerful…”
“That’s the thing…writing it is way more intimate…I’m going to give this really intimate journal-like thing…feelings…just what were feeling…”
“They’re really cool…do you know…?”
“So…you’re going back to school…”
“And also I think, the synergies, if I was totally honest with you…the last person I was sitting with, totally didn’t relate to him, wouldn’t want to date….was talking about sports…you’re charismatic too…”
“There are also lots of weird people…”
“Okayyy…”

“I know all the people I would like to meet.”
“I moved form SE to NW a year ago…”
“It’s a great area, and I work in the area. My nanny jobs are all in NE.”
“I’d like to be able to walk to work.”
“I just need my bike to get fixed.”
“I don’t know what to do…I probably should get a computer, I just…it’s so much money…”
“Every single person was just online, that’s what the picture is becoming…
we’re just talking to friends through facebook…
but there is all that pressure to do that too, especially if you’re an artist, it’s like…
“yeah, I have been wanting to make a….”
“exactly”.
“so you are looking for…”
“so do you have pets or anything?”
“Diet wise, are you against meat?…
“I used to be vegan, but…”
“That’s ok with us…salmon burgers…I’m really big on…
“I used to be lean mean Eugene…”
“Did you see the last guy?”
“I was totally not feeling him, I was like Oh god.”
“Here I’m like oh, I need a car, and oh…”
“Well the good dumpsters, there like way out, I know Trader Joes is pretty good, and Odwalla.. but there far out…”
“and the bums, they would get like everything…”
“no, it’s definitely a scene”…
“that’s cool, that’s what I like too”
“everyone can do one thing, even if it’s…that’s cool, at least we know someone’s doing it…”
“My roommate’s a freelance bike mechanic.”

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Just a bunch of gobbledeegoop…

In the beginning there was man. He talked a lot about his Transformer collection, and memorized quotes from the Big Lebowski or Nietzsche, depending on his daily leanings and mood, in order to impress his friends. And then he met a girl and she was heartbroken over a guy. He thought maybe he could help this girl feel better, and he liked how sad she felt next to him. And so he followed her around like a labradoodle. And then the girl became happy, and she made impossibly witty jokes with a straight face that could confuse people because she looked really sweet but she was downright caustic at times. But he liked it a lot and they lived happily ever after baking cookies, and talking about their dreams to make a darkroom, travel cross country to ghost towns interviewing redneck ranchers and diner waitresses, and try new sexual positions together. But this only lasted for a very short time because soon she was too happy and he saw another girl that was sad like this girl had been, smiling sweetly and nearly completely mute because it was so physically exhausting to be sad that talking was too much of an ordeal for her mouth. And so the guy started to fall in romantic love with the second girl, and I only say romantic love because it wasn’t obviously real love. Because real love doesn’t just transport itself from one girl to another the second aforementioned original sad girl starts to tell jokes and smile for real. It was only in this romantic love state that the Jung and Nietzsche and Osho and Blake quoting guy could stand up proud and say he was going to save another girl, like a knight, with a white horse, and shiny armor. But he stood and his zipper was unzipped, and he was embarrassed. And he took the new girl by the hand but her hand was clammy. And the original sad girl was sad again, so much so that she couldn’t form a sentence, and her eyes shone sparkly in the sun like pools of tears gathered between trees of lashes; and sad girl number two was too happy to even notice that the boy was unbearably discontent, like a horse with a barrel of bananas instead of carrots. And so there was man and being as he could never be happy with what he had man was eternally disappointed, and couldn’t think of a thing new to say that could impress even himself because all of the new movies had bad dialogue and relied on CGI effects to make them worth their insane ticket prices…and everything else had been written in real books with wisdom, but looked cheap in Kindles and therefore couldn’t be oralized with any gumption whatsoever. It was a really sad conclusion to man who as a boy had dreamt of meeting a strong happy girl, and as a boy had wanted to hold her hand as an equal, an artist, a lover, as a man.

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