Tag Archives: confused

Oh, the Artists we go…

I’m about to go out and search for a little foot stool or something chic and transportable to set my laptop on at either urban outfitters or world market. Two stores a block from my house with an assortment of colorful, half-unique looking home decor options straight from Taiwan and less expensive then the nob hill furniture boutique ran by middle-aged fruity men. But anyway, the purpose of this message is to really express my long-felt disgruntlement over the excruciatingly high number of “artists” in Portland, (and from my experiences Eugene and other nearby towns, not to mention the west coast, Austin, NY, etc.), who are known for being the artists in their community but really just a bunch of babbling finger-painting butt wipes. They are good networkers and portfolio-making winos. Many edit a good collage, understand printmaking, buy vintage outfits from Buffalo, and cut their hair lopsided with long side burns. They smell like coffee and cigarettes, or yerba mate and marijuana. They say things like “groovy” and “tight” because these old phrases disappeared off the radar and reintroducing them is appealing to historical connotations of hipness as well as innovative reintroductions of indelible phrases in new linguistic contexts. Yet these collages, reinventions, basic nostaligias are morphed with eager needs to please, and a swamp of character is lost in a blase mixture of gaudy egos, all bright colors and loud spirits regurgitated into a fad of ideas, long mustaches, and big bangs all pickled together in a package of controllable, quotable, calculable, marketable, and consumable widgets and wits. I see widgets because people are further morphing into one-click wonders, their personalities exposed in online portfolios and profiles, their entire character summed up in a paragraph of theories throw-up from a senior course in the philosophy of art, and a handful of photographs of their best friend dressed in a tutu and leather jacket, playing the fashion model of a make-believe cinema still. I am only coarsely judging these neighboring hipster fashionistas, designers, photographers, painters, printmakers, and artists of mixed media, because I too have expressed my share of magazine wall collage torn from Vogue, and scattered costume garments worn to work under a work shirt to express, as immutably as possible, the expression of a character that is at once vivid, youthful, and alive, and also extremely confused, complicated, and immersed in a capitalist world amidst critical parents, eager-to-please businessmen and egomaniacal entrepreneurs. I am merely trying to survive, and in recent months have mentally detached from my job of retail and socially detached from nocturnal outings with fellow creatives and networkers, in order to return to the roots of my inspiration devoid of bad credit and crimped spirits. I am returning to what made me tick at five, and love at twelve, fight at fourteen, and run madly away into the unknown at eighteen. I am reading, and bathing, and staring into the space of everything have yet to understand and can only feel when I’m in my world separated from histories and expectations. The lone artists, and naturists, the hermits and quiet types intrigue me. What is a loud voice but a need to be heard over the quality of your words. I want to hear the silent fellow who returns to his room to make art for himself, and hear what the natural world says apart from urban industries and profit. Profit in the quiet contentment of a product made for a feeling in yourself. Well, that is a big bundle of words I’ve again spitted out with my first cup of “morning” coffee. And now I’ll contradict my own stream of thoughts by going out and finding a foot stool, (one in mind, actually, a purple one at Urban, would complete the complete lack of color scheme in my room). And also time for more coffee…

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upsetted by world…

hmph, at these times I want to curl up in a ball and act like the little girl that is still very much alive inside me… i’m not sure what my problem is but maybe it revolves around letting go. I just need to let things be. Like if someone says something and does the other, that’s what most people do and so let it go, I really can’t judge the why or what of it, I can only control myself only and how miserable or happy I am in response to something. And if Im confused then if there is no response I am best to forget and move on to something where giving energy is actually a positive. I’m probably preaching generalities, but they are things I lose track of, and when I’m blue it’s hard to be sensible and see the transience of a given situation. Instead I hear the clock tick-tocking in my skull, and my heart cramps and I feel claustrophobic from life, and terribly alone. But I’m not and life is giant, and I’m not ninety yet!

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Contexts and Associations

But if I’m going to be sentimental might as well get it out there:
I miss that special glimmer in someone’s eye when they think you’re special…and I’m struggling to stop associating things to previous things. I met another Adam cashier at Whole Foods today. I just had gotten off of the phone with Urs who is moving to Portland, and I bought groceries, waiting for the 20 bus which would take me a block form my home. SO I picked up some cheese and pizza and my first 6-pack of beer in awhile and went through this guy Adam’s aisle, and he flirted and I asked for quarters and he gave me five dollars instead of ten and paused briefly with the roll in mid strike for the counter top because of this noticeable fear of the outcome of the strike. And I said, ah, yes once a cashier here open a roll for me and the quarters went flying embarrassing the cashier, and he said, Ah yes that was him. And I knew then it was! And he had declared he’d remember me from that day on because he’d asked my name, and now there was this connection. You know it takes a certain special glimmer in the eyes, and it’s rare. But it’s fun to be a flirt, don’t you know…

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