It feels unbearably empty, like a great attentive presence has been lost! Samurai fashion, and this time to my last remaining technological presence. And now there is a great blank void.
I am spending a lot of time thinking about the things I would express if that wall were not so high and thick, and we were able to express them, and I were not so awkward and easily persuaded to relinquish my own personality in the face of that awkwardness for a repressed, lost silence. If we could express to the utmost of our potential, their would be little need for words, but we might enjoy playing with their construction in order to further articulate the fondness of our mutual accord.
Some of these hopeful conversations are good, but the cyclical psychological analysis, and self-deprecating what ifs and doomed karmic mental meanderings, are enough to make me sick of my own inner voice and craving just moments of silence and moments of nothing but walking and looking at things without any thoughts at all aside from what those things look like…
Yes I saw him recently. And we had a good time. I felt like he was therapy and yet there was a residue of bitter resentment, as even in my momentary calm amidst the chaos of my “no this is not happening!” disbelief in the destruction of a potential good thing, I could return to someone familiar who was accepting of me…and yet he continued to email me after our visit “ah, claudia you are such a sweetheart when you are not needy and full of expectations” and my neediness was just wanting a tender embrace, and understanding. It is something he can give as long as he is not expected to be responsible to me as a boyfriend. Scatter the flames into smaller manageable corners, and then smother them with stubborn hope and melatonin.
I was disappointed and speechless last night, staring in a void at my white walls, drinking milk, wondering how I would be stupid to continue to wonder. Things just don’t need explaining always. They just happen.
On that note, dinner.
ps. return to school tomorrow….return to “disciplined mind”.